Songwriting and Relationships

This may get long winded and possibly take in different rants. I have had all day to ponder this subject, as I made the decision to write about it. Ironically (if I am using that word correctly) I visited with my ex today. It was a nice visit (they usually always are), I was able to tell her today for the first time that I was genuinely happy for her and the new life she is making for herself. We had been through many things together, good and bad. While she may not think so one of the issues we did have was the issue of my songwriting. Don’t get me wrong she supported me 100% in everything I wanted to do. But, in any relationship where one person expresses them selves through songwriting, two questions will eventually be asked.

1. What are you writing about?

2. Why have you not written about me? (There are other version or this question, but you get my point)

I generally do not like to discuss projects I am working on. Especially if I am still “in the zone” working on it. When I am done (working on it at the point), I may or may not discuss it depending on if I even know what the song is about. I have to be honest here, and my songwriting teacher will hate this. I do not always have a direction before I sit down to write. Sometimes it is just a phrase, a riff, or chord progression that leads me to sit down and “work”. So I might not know what I am writing about yet. Usually that answer does not create much tension.

Now on t0 question number two. My buddy Mike  has the best answer for this:

“Cause you have no dumped me yet”.

That is what he tells his wife when she asks (or asked) the dreaded question. I wish I was this quick on my feet. I never had a good answer, truth be told I did not know why I could not or did not write about our relationship.

This is not to say I never wrote about her. I did. I have written about almost every person who has ever touched my life in some way. It was just never in the context of a full song dedicated to my love for her. While that was not the main issue at hand, I am not sure she really had to have the song to make the relationship work. What the biggest issue was. The songs about other girls. Yes I have written songs about other girls.

If you were to ask me what my most popular songs are (as far as what people who have heard me play or my music) I would give you two songs. Me & Willie, and These Days. Ah, These Days, the song about “the other girl” that seemed to create the most tension in my relationship, and the thing is. While it is a a song about another girl, it is not really a happy one for me. It was written to point out to myself that, the relationship I had with said subject was never going to go in the direction I wanted it to go, and sadly we were actually moving apart from each other in life.

“When I am old and I am gray and I look upon these days”

The entire song is written looking at what was, and how I would still remember it when I become old. I am sure not many people hear it that way, but it is the mode I was in when I wrote it. It’s a good song, I can even admit that, maybe two and a half minutes too long, but it is a song I am proud of.

Now shortly into the relationship I did write her a song, or should I say a song about her. Sadly, I did not like it very much. It was during a very Dave Matthews, Ani Difranco time in my life when I could mask lack of lyrical content with interesting guitar parts.

Note: I am not trying to say Dave Matthews and Ani Difranco have any lack of interesting lyrical content, I enjoy both of them very much. However, they have a very unique talent of both musical and lyrical depth. A lot have tried (myself included) but not many have been able to recreate there styles, nor should anyone.

So I shelved the song. I feel I never lived this down. I am not trying to say he bugged me about it a lot, she did not. But, it would be mentioned occasionally, and I can almost understand. Imagine, the person you cared for very much placing you on a pedestal then yanking it out from under you. I would think in the end it feels kind of like that.

A few months later I was writing a song called “Someday”. Basic premise is, to never stop dreaming about what you want cause someday it could happen. Let’s look forward to the second verse of this song.

Maybe someday I’ll fall in love with a girl
Who makes all my questions seem crystal clear
The sun shinning through the blinds wakes me up early morning
I look over my shoulder see you sleeping, and realize someday is here.

This one verse puts me in a happier mood than the entire song These Days. Yet, I do not think that just one verse makes up for an entire song no matter how it makes me feel. Later on I think the comment was. “You do mention me in Someday, at least I have that”.

Note: Some people may read this and see her in a dim light. Over 8 years this subject did not come up that much, enough but not enough to say anyone but me got very worked up about it. I do not want to portray her as ungrateful, or unappreciative, cause she never has been. I think this is an issue many songwriters deal with, and will not admit it, or just do not deal with it. I have never seen the other side. But I bet that the first time a photographers girlfriend comes in to a photo shoot where he is taking pictures of other women, possibly even naked. I bet there is an interesting conversation that evening at dinner time.

I now have a group of people that I discuss songwriting with. I also have a mentor so to speak, someone I look up to and take is advice to heart about songwriting. Quite a while after my relationship ended I decided to take one of his songwriting classes. We got in a discussion about this very topic and he had the answer I was never able to put into words.

” When we are going through a specific event in our lives, we are dealing with it right then. Being submerged in the subject occupies our thoughts and makes it harder to write about it at that moment. It is not till after we are able to comprehend everything that went on in enough detail to create a song about it.”

For me that is exactly how it works. I write about past events a lot and very rarely about current events. How I wish I had.

I leave you guys tonight with my friends Mikes words again, as he also hits the nail right on the head.
Her: How come you have not written a song about me yet
Him: Cause you have not dumped me yet.

Granted there was no dumping involved, we ended things with a discussion and realization that it was not working. But still it always comes after the fact a little to late. While it might no be the one she was looking for. This is her song.

Along the Way
by: Joshua Jones 2008

Verse 1:
It wasn’t the love, the sex, or the passionate kissing
But the daily routine maintenance that was missing
And some days it felt as if we were running on empty
I know there were times when I seemed far away
Even worse it appeared I wanted it that way
I just got so wrapped up, in who I’d become when not wrapped up in your arms.

Chorus:
There are roads, roads we have to take.
Choices we have to make, in order to make it through the day
This could have been, could have been the long ride
But, I promise it will be all right
Even though we got out along the way.

Verse 2:
It feels like forever since I’ve been warmed by your skin
The nights are much colder now that lonely’s settled in
No matter how good our intentions may be
There is bound to come a time
When we don’t know that much about each others day
Cross paths on the street and not have much to say
But, I hope when you look deep in my eyes
You’ll see that love never fades away.
It’s just down

The roads, roads we have to take.
The choices we have to make, in order to make it through the day
This could have been, could have been the long ride
But, I promise it will be all right
Even though we got out along the way.

Bridge:
You know, you know they are going to ask us.
So what will we say?
I hope we brag about the best of it
Describe the love as a benefit
I hope we say it was worth it
And then carry on down

The roads, roads we have to take.
Make the choices we have to make, in order to make it through the day
This could have been, could have been the long ride
But, I promise it will be all right
Even though we got out along the way.

My Favorite Song

As a songwriter I think we all look at other songs and think to ourselves. “I wish I could write a song like that”. Springsteen’s ‘Thunder Road’ is such a song for me. However, my favorite song is both one I wish I could have written and one that speaks to me on a “higher level”. It is by Colin Hay. If you do not know the name, you do know him. He was the lead singer for Men at Work in the 80’s with such kits as ‘I Come from a Land Down Under’, ‘ Overkill’, and a few others I cannot think of off the top of my head. However, his solo career has produced some of the most wonderful, inspiring music I have heard in a long time. Include this one. ‘Waiting For My Real Life to Begin’. You may have heard it on ‘Scrubs”. Zac Braff appears to have excellent taste in music for his movies and that show. Here are the words.

Waiting For My Real Live to Begin
Written by Colin Hay

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I’ll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,”Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in”
Don’t you understand?
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I’m walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,”Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin”
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I’ll check my machine
There’s sure to be that call
It’s gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It’s just that times are lean

And you say,”Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in”
Don’t you understand?
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

The best part about songs and the reason I love to write and perform them is they can be taken differently by everyone who hears them. However, as long it touches a nerve and holds on. It will be a song that will last a life time. I hope to write a song like this someday.

Friends

I am not really sure what this post is going to end up being about. It’s 2AM and I really just felt inspired to write. I just came home from a bar, where I was spending time with my friend Kate whom I have not seen for more than a few hours since I was in middle school. We were friends then and, it appears even after almost 18 years, we still are.

I for some reason believe that I have a unique memory for people, that I think would not remember me. I have documented my shyness and social insecurities within these pages, so there is no need to beat that horse any longer. Yet I still find myself not reaching out to people I once knew, in fear that they will wonder “Who is this guy”, “Why should I know him”, “Why should I care”?. Lets be honest though after 18 years, why should they? (For the record Kate contacted me. I was going to but the above fear sat in my head and stopped me. For the record, I am glad she did).

I think it all comes down to, we were all once friends. Maybe not best friends but, we shared experiences, fears, concerns, and life events that have tied us to each other in some way. Those trinkets of time, stick in our head. It’s funny though. As we were talking, the things I remember about Kate were not the things she remembered of me. Yet we still remembered each other. That could be the whole Mars Venus argument though. I am sure boys and girls at 14 share experiences but look at them from completely different angles. Needless to say I am sure I would be embarrassed to talk about the things that I remember about most of the girls I knew at that point in time of my life. My head was just in a different place. No pun intended.

Social networking sites like Facebook and Myspace make it very easy to track down people you once knew. I have a page on both. My Myspace (boy that sounds redundant) page is mostly for my music. While I use Facebook as more of a social outlet. I am coming to find that I have more friends than I ever thought. Some new, some old, some very old, but they are all there. We all have different lives now, some married, some single, some in relationships, some far away, some right next door, some just far enough away that it’s not convenient to visit, but as a friend I should get off my ass and do it.

So should any of my new and/or old friends read this. I’d just like to say.

1. Thank-you your friendship. It means the world to me.

2. I am sorry for that time Freshman year in High School when we got into a pushing match and I took it a little too far

3. I had a huge crush on you back then, I probably should have told you.

4. I know I have done things to hurt, you. Why you are still my friend amazes me, and please read #1 again.

5. I wish I could have done more to help you.

6. It will always be “The green dock” to me, no matter what color they paint it.

7. If you ever need anything, you know how to get a hold of me.

8. Djinx Home

9. The music we made has been in my head for a very long time.

10. You taught me more about myself, than anyone I have ever known.

Granted I cannot get specific with every person I know and still make this readable. Still, a few of them apply generally. The others, I will let them figure out where they are in the list. I am sure some will figure it out right away. Others will wonder. Just know this. If we were once friends, rest assured I believe we still are.

Walking away from WOW – Day 1

I have been playing World of Warcraft for just over a year now.

Lets back track….

I hated the game when I first started. Installed it played for about 9 levels then uninstalled it. I saw no fun in spending hours upon hours walking places to do quests. Talked to a friend who played it, and they told me how much better it gets after level 10, you get special abilities, things move faster, come join my guild we will help you out, ect… So I installed the game again. Created an Orc Warrior, joined a guild and from there I worked on leveling, get past 10 it gets better.

And it did. More so for the social end of things. The long quests no longer became boring. I had other people to talk to and do them with me. We all exisited in this online world together. One little character, in one guild, on one server, of many. Us against the World of Warcraft. Okay now this is fun.

While I was questing, I noticed people talking in chat about PVP, BG’s and Arena’s. What is this I wonder? So I looked into it. Wow, I think I hated PVP more in the lower levels than I did starting out the game. I am never going back in a battleground again, way to competitive, to many arm chair generals, and these little things call Twinks, that all seem to have piss poor attitudes. So back to questing.

Some time passes. I hit 40 and get my first mount. Wow, now I can ride places. I hit 60 and get my Epic mount. Wow, now I can ride places faster. Right about 62, I have quested so much, I forget about the horrible time I had in Battlegrounds, and venture back in again. Hey I can use my mount now. Hey I can actually kill someone. Wait there do not seem to be many “Twinks” here at 61 bracket, and people actually seem cool (as long as you are not in AV during holiday weekend that is).

Right about here my life takes a drastic turn for the worst. I am in Battlegrounds every chance I can get, need to get better gear, need to kill, need to win, now I want to Arena (small scale PVP enviornment, where teams of 2, 3 and 5 face each other), so I grind my self up to 70, do battlegrounds to get a set of welfare epics, and hop into the arena, show off my stuff.

Long story short, I got to 70 a little late, got a partner a little late and the entire season ended before I could even buy one peice of gear. The next Arena would not be out until after the Wrath Expansion, so I would have to wait.

I order Wrath, receive it, and with in a month am at level 80. My honor is capped, and I am ready for the new season gear. Then something happened. The company publishes information about the upcoming gear requirement that I do not 100% agree with, and I am left wondering how much effort do I really want to put into this video game. Which has in fact absorbed almost all of my free time, over the last year. Now, either the information was incorrect, incomplete, or they changed there minds due to an out pouring of people who felt close to the same way I did. I will never really know what happened. However the good news is, I felt I could compete again.

But, did I really want to?

I started doing some math. At my play rate it was going to take me anywhere from 2-5 months to obtain the gear needed to be considered “competitive”. Even with what I had saved up.  I am easy going, but in all honesty I do not have fun losing. I do not think many people can say they enjoy losing. I pay them $15 a month to play this game, and it is going to cost me upwards of $75 worth of losing many many times to “compete”. Quite honestly, that stopped sounding like fun.

I have never been a fan of the non-pvp content of the game. I am not a lore hound, and really could care less who started this silly war. I just wanted to take part in it. So sitting at 80, with not much further to go in the game. I decided to cancel my account. $15 a month does not seem like a lot of money, I could have gone back and talked to everyone, wandered around aimlessly, taken part in guild runs of instances a few times a week, but I know I would have been pulled back into PVP sooner or later. Along with that $15 will allow me to start sending my music out to be listened to a few times month for festival consideration, production consideration, and more opportunities in the direction I want my life to go. The free time will allow me work on said music, which has been severely lacking the last year.  I hope I do not lose touch with the people I played with. They are all good people. But, once I stop paying I can no longer go in to say hi. I will miss that.

So time with tell. Can I break the addiction? I’ll see where I am in a week. When going sold turkey they say the first week is the hardest.

New Songs

I am hoping to have at least one new song uploaded this week.

I am finding out why engineers make the money they do. Creating a recording that others want to listen too, as well as something I want to listen to again, is not an easy process. Granted I am not lookin for studio quality from my at home stuff, but still, most of what I have thrown away has just been garbage in my mind. So I will keep working to try and get some demo material out. Since it is free, and easy to get to it will be uploaded on my MySpace page. Keep a look out for when.

Till then. Headphones back on.

What I Play

I have to admit, I am a bit of a guitar snob when it comes to acoustic guitars. I think after 21 years of struggling with horrible action, mediocre tone, and questionable playability, I have earned the ability to be choosy about the guitars I use on stage. My biggest issue, is the guitars that play and sound nice to me, are expensive. Such as life.

I can appreciate good tone in any guitar. I was in a local music store many years ago and picked up a $75 Kay acoustic guitar. Not expecting much but a hearty self-righteous laugh. I fingered up a G chord, strummed away, and wow. This guitar has some tone to it. It played horribly, felt like the neck was way out of wack, but the sound was really way more than I expected. Tempted to buy it, I stopped myself. I would never use it, and this guitar wanted to be played, even if it was some kids first guitar, it would be a very nice sounding first guitar for very little money. So I left it for somone esle to wrestle with.

My favorite brand of guitar (that I have had the pleasure of actually playing and performing with) is Santa Cruz, you can find more about them at:

http://www.santacruzguitar.com

I have owned two. A Dreadnaught model, and an Orchestra Model. I loved them both and regret selling them. But, when you need money sometimes the wants have to go above the needs. I also had another issue with them. They are made of wood. Go ahead and laugh, I know acoustic guitars are made of wood. But, in order to remain in pristine playable condition. An acoustic guitar needs to be kept in 40%-60% relative humidity. During the summer here in New Hampshire that is not hard, but in the winter, with forced hot air heating. I could not get a hydrometer to even register 1% where I was living. This was bad. It was everything I could do to keep this guitars hydrated to be playable. So much so that in the winter I was afraid to play them. So I did some research.

I now play a graphite composite guitar. I got it used from a guy in Florida who had too many guitars and need to thin the herd so to speak. I had never played one, or even heard on for that matter, I did get some good information about them. Including a raving review from Ani Difranco’s guitar tech one summer at a 4th of July party I attended with my ex (who knows his wife). “Great road guitar” he told me. “They can take  beating and still sound and play great”. In the end I still think Ani plays her Alvarez’s, so he ended up with the guitar.

So I bought my first Rainsong. http://www.rainsong.com. A WS1000 Dreadnaught Body Cutaway.

I love this guitar. Not only does it sound great and play well. It looks pretty cool, and really is close to indestructible. Once strings are on it and stretched, they do not leave tune until worn and tired. Temperature has no effect on this guitar. I could tune it up on 100% humidity then throw it in a snow bank, pick it back up and play. Granted that may be a bit of a stretch, but you get my point. I have my eye on an OM model with a smaller body. Probably will not happen this year but maybe if I can get some income coming in from music I could pick one up.

When I know I can keep them in a controlled enviornment, I will have high end wood guitars again. Until then and even after. This is just what the Dr. ordered.

I am a dork

Or maybe a geek, maybe a nerd. I think I prefer geek over any of them. But, have no fear I am one.

While at work the other day on my lunch break I was surfing the World of Warcraft (WoW) Forums (yes, I play). Just as I was posting to help a person write a macro for the game, my boss looks over my shoulder and says…

“You understand  all this?”

I replied with “Yes, I could explain it to you if you like, but it would make me look like a bigger geek than I am”. He looked at me and just said..

“We are what we are, Josh”

So yep, I am a huge geek, so lets make a list shall we.

1. I play World of Warcraft. I have a lvl 80 character, and while I did not go to the Midnight Release Party November 13th. I did pre-buy it weeks ahead of time. Picked it up the day is was released, and by my Birthday Novermber 30th had blown through the last 10 lvls to get up to Lvl 80. Dear lord that just sounds sad to say out loud.

2. I enjoy most things about computers. I fix them for my friends when they download too much porn,  forget to where there computer condoms, and end up with a nasty virus. I write programs for fun, this also includes writing addons for World of  Warcraft.

3. I am 32 years old and have two pet Guinea Pigs, Cinnamon and Chewy. They also have nick names, I call Cinnamon “Big Fat Pig”, if you saw her you would understand (don’t worry I am not over feeding her my vet told me she is fine, just has large hips). And Chewy which is already short for Chewbacca, I call him “Chew Chew Train” most of the time.

4. I have a Guinea Pig named Chewbacca

5. This one may just be the nail in the coffin. I am currently living with my parents. While it does not bother me all that much, it pretty much slit the throat of my social life, and is not really a good leading quality when looking for a member of the opposite sex to spend time with. I cannot for the life of me understand why a woman in her 30’s would not be excited to meet a 32 year old who lives as home (I hope the sarcasm is not lost on anyone).

Yes folks, I am that stereotype. I am in my 30’s life at home and play World of Warcraft. It’s not like I have not had my own life. I did for the better part of a decade. Events in my life happened that required me to gather up some debt, and I was left with two options, when it was time to leave the situation I was in. Get a place of my own (which I did do before I actually did the math), and take 5-6 years to play off my debt (should life stay the same for me, and I did nothing but pay bill). Or, suck it up, move back home, pay the folks some rent, and have my debts paid off in under 2 years, maybe sooner if I was extra frugal.

It was kind of a no brainer for me, and it has actually been nice. I enjoy spending time with my family. We get along very well. Yes, I want to be out on my own, but I also want to be able to have a life for myself when I am there.

So in time I will be back on my own, move out of the family basement. However, I fear, I will still be a dork.

“We are what we are”

Complement

This is the first song I completed in over 3 years that I thought was performance worthy when it was done. I was taking a songwriting class as part of an adult education program. We had many assignments but this was the result from the final assignment.

Verse 1:
My thoughts are hushed every time you walk into the room
Taken down by the deepest current of your eyes
Swim for the shore,  but I keep drifting back against the break
With my last chance at life I want to try and make you realize

Chorus:
There are so many stories to keep me company till I’m old
I always reach for the tragedies where you played the leading role
No need to thumb to the end we both know exactly how this unfolds
Standing alone afraid to confess
I’ve always given you the best of me and
I believe you complement my soul.

Verse 2:
I’ve worn your tears enough the saline lies deep within my wounds
I’ve kissed your lips and felt as if, I alone approve
Reached for your hand in times of trouble. Back and forth my thumb would trace.
Small circles of hope other boys will eventually erase

Chorus:
There are so many stories to keep me company till I’m old
I always reach for the tragedies where you played the leading role
No need to thumb to the end we both know exactly how this unfolds
Standing alone afraid to confess
I’ve always given you the best of me and
I believe you complement my soul.

Bridge:
So many times I would let my thoughts stray
And it would take me forever to say
That through out all of our days
There was not one where I did not feel this way
Or long to hear you say, the same

This Crush

I wrote this song a few weeks ago.I hardly ever write about what bring me happiness and this was a first attempt. I was pondering the idea of being in love again, or at least thinking about love it’s self. Not sure it is really something you can “ponder” but you get the point. I have been “in love” a few times in my life, and they have all been enjoyable experiences. However, I also remember the part before the love. The interest, the wonder, the dating, the pure tackiness of it all. The emotion one feels when you find someone your heart jumps for is ageless, and yet always make me feel like a kid again. This is the first song in a long time I have been completely honest with myself. I think I only crossed out two lines everything else is just how I wrote it. There is music and someday I will learn how to make a good home recording and I will put some demo stuff on-line. For now you get the words.

——————————————-

So this is what it’s like,
to feel 17 again
wondering if you like me.

I know we dance,
in separate circles around the sun
but I thought it would be fun
if this crush was revealed to you.

Chorus:
So if you’d like,
I will run to you
with my arms stretched out and my
heart out stretched.
And I’m not afraid of the fall this time.

I wonder what it’s like
to feel the texture of your lips
with my hands upon your hips
outside of your front door
after the date, I finally got the nerve to ask you for

Hold you there
with your back to the light
brush aside your hair
so I can look into your eyes
and hope, this crush has been revealed to you.

Chorus:
So if you’d like,
I will run to you
with my arms stretched out and my
heart out stretched.
And I’m not afraid of the fall this time.

———————————————-

I plan on posting more lyrics when I can, there should be two more on the way as soon as I can get them deciphered from my note book on to the computer.

Life is Good

I forget so easily that this page even exists. Sadly, I should use it more and do not. Every once in a while I get an email saying I have a reply to a post here. Usually it is someone Googling another Joshua Jones, and I happen to come up in the search. It is nice to know some people take the time to read passages from someone they do not even know, let alone take the time to respond with their own thoughts. So once again today I was reminded. Oh yeah, you have a blog. Someplace you could actually be writing. Remember writing?

It is the main purpose of a blog that usually pulls me away from it. That purpose is to expose yourself to an audience, and allow them to know what you are thinking. Most of the time in my life I figure not many people would care what Joshua Jones from Dover, New Hampshire thinks. This attitude crashes very hard into my personal life. That is to say I am very shy. There are quite a few people that may not believe this statement, but those people have two things in common. They know me, or have seen me perform live to some extent.

You see, I am the person that gets introduced to new people. I am not the person who introduces myself to new people. Mainly for the reason I stated above. I am shy, and I do not believe that strangers really care to meet me. It is an unfounded, and stupid complex to have. I am very certain of it. Yet, I have not found a good way to overcome it.

A while back I went to a birthday gathering for my ex. It was at a bar, and many of here friends were there. While I knew many of her friends, I have never spent much time with them. So I am now in a situation where I am surrounded by people I do not know very well, and my ex. So I introvert and start people watching, pushing myself away from the table mental to be there physically, but not much more. The night ended, we all left, and went on with our lives as normal. No big deal. A few days later I am talking to my ex, conversation turns to one of her friends, and she tells me. “Yeah, “so and so” (masked to protect the innocent) is pretty sure you do not like her at all”. Stunned by this all I could muster up was “Huh, what would give her that impression? I think she is great, you guys always seem to have fun together, and she has been nothing but nice to me, why would she think that”?

Well come to find out, while I was seperating myself from any uncomfortable situations I may encounter at the bar that night. “So and so” was trying to talk to me. So, to get the full extent of this image correct. An attractive female was trying to start a conversation with me numerous times through out the night, and apparently my typical uncomfortable nod and smile routine gave her the idea I did not like her. Wow, did I feel like an ass. I have gotten to the point socially, where I beleive so strongly that people could care less about meeting me that even when they attempt to get to know me I blow that off too. Thus making it so people probably do not want to know me.

I explained to “so and so” the next time I saw her (or maybe it was an email), that I actually thought quite highly of her, was very uncomfortable in the situation, which turns me into a social leper if you will, and from that point on we have remained friends. She gave me a few tips on how to be less so, and while I have not put any of her advice to work at all. It has stuck with me. On the chance I may in fact end up in a situation where someone is trying to get my attention but I am too busy toning out the world to catch on.

I am putting that information to use here. I am explaining up front of my social ineptitude so that people I maybe have blown off in the past do not think I am an ass.

Here’s the rub. If I do get to know you (and visa versa), I have a hard time shutting up. In all actuality I consider myself a very open minded, honest, easy going, person. Once you get to know me. And, I am a performing artist. “So and so” asked me ” You perform infront of people, how can you be that shy?”

And there it is…

I am a completly different person when I am on stage with a guitar. Sure I have stage anxiety like most performers, but it is always about. Will I get the words right, chords, am I going to feedback, will the monitor mix be okay. When people have gathered in a certian place to hear music, it is a given that they are interested in what I have to say. There is no need to be shy anymore, these people have paid money to hear what I have to say (I am baffled by that a bit, but..). So, this is when for 30 minutes to an hour, I can be the Josh my friends all know, infront of perfect strangers. They hear the stories, the jokes, and the songs of my life which has been very interesting and blessed may I add. They learn of lost love, new love, high school antics, dreams, hopes, and fears. They applaud, laugh, and  even sing along sometimes. Then at the end of the show I disappear back stage, put my guitar away, and spend the rest of the night talking to people in the crowd, listening to other performers, only to know full well, that tomorrow I will be back to my old introverted self.

Maybe it is an ego thing. I like to think I am not egotistical, but I think to perform in public you need to be somewhat.

So why, is this post called “Life is Good”? So far is has done nothing but to point out my biggest flaw.

This past weekend “so and so” and I went Christmas shopping together. We walked around, bought a few things, and ended up in a sporting store. We went in looking for a specific item. Of course they did not have it, so we looked around, played a bit of foosball, spent way too much time enjoying the different textures of the store (long story, well longer then I want to get into anyway). Then I found it..

A simple shirt which really sums up what I want to do. I have known it existed but have never seen it in actual stores and only on women’s shirts and hats. So, I admired it for a while, folded it back up and put it away. Started walking away when my friend picked it back up and told me she was buying it for me. Of course I told her not to but, that wasn’t going to do any good. So in trade I found something to get her, we bought our items left the store, and I am pretty sure it is going to become my favorite shirt. Here’s the image on the shirt.

With out being to wishy washy it really is me. I generally believe my life is good. I may have a dim view of myself in new social surroundings. But, I know I am a good, person with good qualities, with the best friends, and most supportive family a person could ask for. I live a very charmed life, I know this, and I cherish this. I have wanted nothing more than to be a songwriter for a long time now. Yet, I have allowed events in my life to take me away from what I love to do, from my most comfortable place. This has left me with the knowledge that I am more and more becoming the person I described earlier. The shy, unnoticed, introvert, it has effected my writing to the point that I have trouble now believing that people would want to actually hear what I have to say again. So I am questioning every line I write, which is the kiss of death for any writer.

I want to get back to where I was, when I wrote for me, and did not care if people wanted to hear it. I want to stop worrying about what could be, and start focusing on what I can do. Having a short phone text conversation with my friend Heather on my birthday, I told her I was jealous she was in San Fransisco and I wished I could have made it there this year. She wrote back a simple line.

“You can make anything you want happen”

She should know, she lives her entire life this way. I admire her so much for the way she lives, and realize there is only one reason I do not live the same way.

Me.

The company who makes those shirts have a motto stitched on a tag. “Do what you love, Love what you do”. Does it really get any easier than that??

I am hoping to take more advantage of this space. I am hoping to meet new people, and tell the people in my life how much they mean to me. I am hoping in 2009 I will be performing new songs to new audiences, in new locations.

My life is good. I just want to make it that kind of good. The only person who can change who I am, is me. So I have some work to do.